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Portrait of the Author as a Young Idiot.
Sep. 21st, 2004 08:20 pmToday on the list of things I am unfortunate enough to know about me: If you can make me feel guilty about something, I can and will make myself feel worse about it for longer than you could possibly manage.
So I'm in trouble at school. So I have detention, which I've never had before. So it's my own stupid fault, for saying things before thinking.
So I hate myself. I hate myself because I'm stupid, I hate myself because I'm in trouble, I hate myself because I can't control my emotions well enough not to cry.
I hate myself.
Why do I have to be so weak? Why do I have to be completely incapable of blaming other people for things that are my own fault? Why do I have to be weak enough to be stupid, but not weak enough to believe it's not my fault? Why is the world so damn unfair when combining traits? Just why?
The only silver lining is that the school did not think it severe enough to call my parents, so they will remain unaware of the whole thing if I can manage it.
I really hate myself.
---We now return you to your regularly scheduled post---
Spades is coming along; I've finished Scene 5 and am moving into 6, which may possibly be the most difficult. It is, after all, an interaction that is hardly ever done, if ever. Put the two characters' names in at ff.net and you come up with two fic, one of which is Crack!Romance (OFP of OFP, I tell ya), and the other of which is mine. And yet, them interacting is starting to grow on me.
It's really a character piece--Spades, I mean. Sure, it has a plot, and it has romance (sorry, Butterfly, but your OTP is going to be heartlessly defied), but that's not what it's about. It's really about pure characters, and how they would react. Yue has issues. So does Touya. Kero is the only one who even vaguely understands. Eriol and Kaho are married. Sakura is clueless. Tomoyo is quiet. Syaoran glares. Manga canon precludes Meiling's existence.
Is it sad that my current labor of love is a character piece? Aren't people my age supposed to be romance-obsessed?
I saw Touya/Syaoran at the Pit today. If the world is coming to an end, it cannot be too soon.
I got to burn a toothpick in Chem today. Fire is good, yes.
Still self-hate. Agh.
So I'm in trouble at school. So I have detention, which I've never had before. So it's my own stupid fault, for saying things before thinking.
So I hate myself. I hate myself because I'm stupid, I hate myself because I'm in trouble, I hate myself because I can't control my emotions well enough not to cry.
I hate myself.
Why do I have to be so weak? Why do I have to be completely incapable of blaming other people for things that are my own fault? Why do I have to be weak enough to be stupid, but not weak enough to believe it's not my fault? Why is the world so damn unfair when combining traits? Just why?
The only silver lining is that the school did not think it severe enough to call my parents, so they will remain unaware of the whole thing if I can manage it.
I really hate myself.
---We now return you to your regularly scheduled post---
Spades is coming along; I've finished Scene 5 and am moving into 6, which may possibly be the most difficult. It is, after all, an interaction that is hardly ever done, if ever. Put the two characters' names in at ff.net and you come up with two fic, one of which is Crack!Romance (OFP of OFP, I tell ya), and the other of which is mine. And yet, them interacting is starting to grow on me.
It's really a character piece--Spades, I mean. Sure, it has a plot, and it has romance (sorry, Butterfly, but your OTP is going to be heartlessly defied), but that's not what it's about. It's really about pure characters, and how they would react. Yue has issues. So does Touya. Kero is the only one who even vaguely understands. Eriol and Kaho are married. Sakura is clueless. Tomoyo is quiet. Syaoran glares. Manga canon precludes Meiling's existence.
Is it sad that my current labor of love is a character piece? Aren't people my age supposed to be romance-obsessed?
I saw Touya/Syaoran at the Pit today. If the world is coming to an end, it cannot be too soon.
I got to burn a toothpick in Chem today. Fire is good, yes.
Still self-hate. Agh.
