Out [auwt], n: ?
Oct. 12th, 2009 11:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cygna_himeSomewhat belated for National Coming Out Day, but I have these thoughts percolating and now seemed a good time to work through them aloud.
I'm not sure how I feel about coming out. I mean, first thing, I'm not sure if I've done it or not, which should tell you something about my state of gender/sexual identity. Seriously, what? How do you not know if you're out or not?
Partly, it's Wes. I've spend at least half of the last several years in a place and culture where you don't have to come out as bi so much as you have to come out as straight. (You know it's true.) So it's really easy to not feel I have to say anything, in specific. I feel like, about the time I started really thinking about my sexuality (more on this later), I moved to a tiny section of the world where coming out was much less fraught, where I could shift from straight-by-default to not without actually saying anything.
Partly, it's that I have no idea what constitutes 'coming out'. Do I have to have an actual conversation with my parents, or do I just assume that they've caught on? Does anyone else have to be told? Should I make a sign? I really, truly don't feel that it's relevant to 98% of my interactions; do I have to have an irrelevant conversation at all? Do I save it for if/when I'm seeing someone? Does asking the question of whether or not there's a point make me sound like a complete tool, when really I just...don't...care?
That leads into the big problem: how do I come out, if I have no idea what I'm coming out as?
Because I really kind of don't know. I identify as 'queer', because I don't know what I am, except that it's not straight. And I'm certain enough that I'm also cis-gendered, so that cuts two letters from the alphabet soup. Leaving me with...lesbian? Bi? Asexual? All of the above? None of the above? Confused? (Okay, I'm definitely that last one.) I don't think I'm asexual, though there was a while in there when I was leaning that way on account of being slow to get interested in the whole sex concept at all, but...I'm still not *very* interested in the whole sex concept. This is what I mean when I say I don't feel like it's relevant. I don't mean that I don't think it's important in general, but for me, my sexuality doesn't feel very important. (How much of *this* is due to oh-come-on-like-anyone-would-want-to-with-you-anyway...but that's another pack of issues.) But maybe I'm asexual and bi- or homoromantic. Maybe I'm not asexual, but only just; maybe I'm just slow about these things; maybe I'm repressed; maybe something I haven't even thought of. I'm not attracted to many people, period, so I'm not sure whether or to what degree I'm attracted to men. I'm not sure whether I'm really attracted to people at all, or if I'm calling something 'attracted to' when it's not, because no one ever tells me how I'm supposed to know, so if I don't know, I'm not, right? Or what? If I want to date someone, is it because I want to have sex with someone, because I want the emotional relationship, because everyone does and I want to know what it's like? If I keep asking these questions everyone else seems to have answered, does it mean there's something wrong with me?
And how the hell am I supposed to come out as not-straight, when I don't know what I actually am?
This is confusing and frustrating, because I hate being confused, so I don't think about it much, which doesn't make it any less confusing, or frustrating, or stressful.
Dear Mom,
I know you're reading this. Does that mean I don't have to actually talk to you guys about it ever? Because that would be spiffy.
Cygna
I blame society. This is usually a safe bet, particularly when it comes to questions I was never taught how to go about answering.
I'm not sure how I feel about coming out. I mean, first thing, I'm not sure if I've done it or not, which should tell you something about my state of gender/sexual identity. Seriously, what? How do you not know if you're out or not?
Partly, it's Wes. I've spend at least half of the last several years in a place and culture where you don't have to come out as bi so much as you have to come out as straight. (You know it's true.) So it's really easy to not feel I have to say anything, in specific. I feel like, about the time I started really thinking about my sexuality (more on this later), I moved to a tiny section of the world where coming out was much less fraught, where I could shift from straight-by-default to not without actually saying anything.
Partly, it's that I have no idea what constitutes 'coming out'. Do I have to have an actual conversation with my parents, or do I just assume that they've caught on? Does anyone else have to be told? Should I make a sign? I really, truly don't feel that it's relevant to 98% of my interactions; do I have to have an irrelevant conversation at all? Do I save it for if/when I'm seeing someone? Does asking the question of whether or not there's a point make me sound like a complete tool, when really I just...don't...care?
That leads into the big problem: how do I come out, if I have no idea what I'm coming out as?
Because I really kind of don't know. I identify as 'queer', because I don't know what I am, except that it's not straight. And I'm certain enough that I'm also cis-gendered, so that cuts two letters from the alphabet soup. Leaving me with...lesbian? Bi? Asexual? All of the above? None of the above? Confused? (Okay, I'm definitely that last one.) I don't think I'm asexual, though there was a while in there when I was leaning that way on account of being slow to get interested in the whole sex concept at all, but...I'm still not *very* interested in the whole sex concept. This is what I mean when I say I don't feel like it's relevant. I don't mean that I don't think it's important in general, but for me, my sexuality doesn't feel very important. (How much of *this* is due to oh-come-on-like-anyone-would-want-to-with-you-anyway...but that's another pack of issues.) But maybe I'm asexual and bi- or homoromantic. Maybe I'm not asexual, but only just; maybe I'm just slow about these things; maybe I'm repressed; maybe something I haven't even thought of. I'm not attracted to many people, period, so I'm not sure whether or to what degree I'm attracted to men. I'm not sure whether I'm really attracted to people at all, or if I'm calling something 'attracted to' when it's not, because no one ever tells me how I'm supposed to know, so if I don't know, I'm not, right? Or what? If I want to date someone, is it because I want to have sex with someone, because I want the emotional relationship, because everyone does and I want to know what it's like? If I keep asking these questions everyone else seems to have answered, does it mean there's something wrong with me?
And how the hell am I supposed to come out as not-straight, when I don't know what I actually am?
This is confusing and frustrating, because I hate being confused, so I don't think about it much, which doesn't make it any less confusing, or frustrating, or stressful.
Dear Mom,
I know you're reading this. Does that mean I don't have to actually talk to you guys about it ever? Because that would be spiffy.
Cygna
I blame society. This is usually a safe bet, particularly when it comes to questions I was never taught how to go about answering.
