cygna_hime: (Default)
Okay so I've been terrible at posting here but I will try! To remedy that!

I'm mostly popping up because I'm a mixture of intellectually exhausted and wildly elated. Which in turn is because I wrote 3000 words of original fiction in only about two hours. Which in turn means that I finished the werewolf novel. It's 75,000 words and has taken me a total of three months, which I think is not too shabby considering the number of holidays, changes of medication, etc. that were included in said months.

Novel!!! Exists!!! In very rough draft, since I for example realized that a chapter I'd planned for one point belonged several chapters earlier, but it exists!!!!!

Wow. I did a thing.
cygna_hime: (Default)
Affecting Eternity
19k words or so.
Spoilers for DDD; otherwise, no warnings.
Features Riku, Lea, and Kairi. And hijinks.

All Vows

Sep. 13th, 2013 10:13 pm
cygna_hime: (Cygna)
I cried at services this evening.

Judaism, the Day of Atonement, and catharsis )
cygna_hime: (Default)
THE COMPUTER RETURNS!!! *fistpump*
cygna_hime: (Default)
Good times for your computer to break: do not exist.

REALLY ANNOYING times for your computer to break: just when you're about to have plenty of writing time. Also, you have to buy train tickets.

Also: I sprained my knee on Wednesday. It's a lot better, but it's still not super keen on this whole "stairs" concept.

But at least: I don't have work in the morning.

On the other hand: I have my driver's test on Tuesday, and I'm a pre-nervous wreck. For efficiency, you know.
cygna_hime: Unretouched and unedited I swear to god. (Zounds!)
It really says everything that needs to be said about how this job has been effecting me if you compare how I felt yesterday with how I feel today (I called in "sick").

Yesterday was awful: I woke up with my jaw aching from having clenched it so much and feeling like if I had to talk to anyone I would scream.

Today, I slept all morning and now I feel...calm. Not completely, but almost content. It's raining and pleasantly cool, and I can drive away the perpetual anxiety of knowing I will have to go back to work at some point.

I don't think it's stretching to say that I will feel even better this time next week, when I won't have to go back at all.
cygna_hime: (Default)
I woke from dream into dream, each mundane - in two of them I started cleaning my room, in the third I went to the kitchen and ate a brownie, distressed by the other two - and in each I was back in my old house, a fact which I recognized about each dream as soon as I "woke" from it. It was my old room, full of my old life's detritus. It was my old kitchen, which I could navigate blind.

And now I'm homesick, lying in my bed in my room. I'm homesick for a home that isn't mine anymore, that no longer exists.

Maybe it would be different if I'd been there for the move, if I'd been the one to clear out all these at-one-time-precious objects, if I knew what had happened to them. Maybe it's a closure I'm missing.

It sucks, regardless.

A Done Deal

Jul. 3rd, 2013 09:41 pm
cygna_hime: (WWTKD?)
So, that's it then. Today I turned in my letter of resignation.

It's not instantaneous, of course: I'm pretending to be a Responsible Adult and thus did the Responsible Adult Thing of giving two weeks' notice. But this puts a very definite and final terminus on my tenure, a reachable point after which I can reacquire control of my life and trade financial security for not wanting to die nearly so much of the time. It's a good plan, and I refuse to be ashamed of it.
cygna_hime: (Default)
When going cherry picking, it does not matter whether or not you wear sunscreen, as if you arrive when they open it up at 8:30 (yes, the sign says 9, but if you've come for many and many a year you know better) you and your family can easily walk away with $100 worth of absolutely guaranteed fresh cherries before you have time to get sunburned.

We're going to have so much pie this year.

Plus, I got to pet kittehs and eat a doughnut. A Good Morning's Work.
cygna_hime: (WWTKD?)
That awkward moment when your sister starts a new FFX-2 save and you realize that a) your sister is now Rikku's age and b) the characters you think of as your age and appropriate to think are attractive & have a crush on are now on the other side of the Creeper Line.

At least there's still Leblanc?

But man, it's weird - the characters remain, in my head, in the same age relative to me that they were when I first met them, but objectively...this is not so? Because unlike real people, they stay the same age forever, no matter how much they feel like real people to me, who *should* continue to be the same age as I am...

{I'm going to continue conceptualizing Yuna as my age because it makes me feel better about wanting to be her girlfriend. At least, inasmuch as she survives both games, she theoretically will continue to age.}
cygna_hime: (Default)
No, Dad, I do not need you to point out to me that grad school loans can be onerous if the school isn't willing to provide no-strings aid. It may surprise you to know that I actually thought about that! Before telling you that I've decided to apply to programs! Sometimes! I actually! Think about things!

I've thought about the possibility that I will be in debt and jobless in five years. I really have. But this is killing me, can't you get that? Can't you give me credit for having weighed my options?
cygna_hime: (Default)
Okay, I've tried. I was practical. I thought about the future. I balanced the things I enjoy with the things that have a sufficient job demand. I didn't take out loans for a grad school with no future. I went job hunting.

See where that got me.

I've been working a full-time nine-to-five job for eight months, and I've spent most of those spiralling into depression and anxiety. Most of my hobbies make me feel good only occasionally, or I haven't had the energy to pursue them. I still don't have a full driver's license.

So, fuck this. I've tried doing what I "should" do, and it's actively toxic to my health and wellbeing.

I'm going to spend my life doing what I want.
cygna_hime: (Default)
I was going to write today, but my brain feels kind of bludgeoned and I do not have any of the earth spoons.

So I think I will do FFXII sidequests instead.

I hate brainmush.
cygna_hime: Xion is in ur fandom, queerin ur text (Xion Queering the Text)
So.

I guess that's me getting a PS4, then.

*high-pitched squealing noises audible only to dolphins*
cygna_hime: (Default)
My therapist thinks this job is bad for me and I should apply to PhD programs.

For the amount I'm paying her, I guess she might as well encourage me to believe that the solution to hating my job is to get a different one instead of to endeavor to become someone who does not hate this job.
cygna_hime: (Default)
Because it's so late in the game I sometimes forget how many things there are to love about the scenes at the top of the Pharos:

  • Vaan not letting Ashe have her dramatic speech. There is very little funnier to me than a melodramatic character being constantly interrupted mid-drama.
  • The juxtaposition of illusory Rasler with Vaan works really well as she's trying to come to her final decision - royalty vs the people, dead vs living, and of course false vs real.
  • I have to say, Ashe tends to take a while to grow on me, but the reasons I'm not all over her are the reasons she has a great character arc, with this as its climax: she tends to get tied up in what she wants and feels due, and conflate those things with what's best for Dalmasca. Nobility, man... But I love that her arc addresses that, as a problem and a flaw, and that this, her world-changing choice, is about setting personal rage and vengeance aside in order to be a worthy ruler.
  • Fuckkkkk Ashe/Rasler tho. That she's so torn by seeing his face. That it breaks her heart not to be able to give "him" what he wants. That the Occuria finally overplay their hand, because Ashe knows that Rasler, her Rasler, the Rasler who lives in her heart forever, would never urge her into senseless cruelty.
  • Ashe's speechlet about the Dalmasca she wanted back reminds me of Faramir in the Two Towers : "I would see [...] Minas Tirith in peace: Minas Anor again as of old, full of light, high and fair, beautiful as a queen among other queens: not a mistress of slaves, nay, not even a kind mistress of willing slaves." There can be no higher compliment.
  • Whoops suddenly I am also Emotions about Gabranth. Because I will always read his behavior here as - he wants Archadia to burn. He's been living twisted up in hate and despair for so many years, and he has never forgiven the conquest of Landis, any more than he has ever forgiven Basch for fleeing before it fell. At Ashe's age, he would have given anything and everything for a Stone, for a way to make them hurt as he hurt. There are wounds in him that have never been able to heal as Basch's wounds have healed, whether because of different circumstances or temperament, and those wounds have festered for so long that sometimes he feels that he's nothing but hate beneath a metal skin.
  • Wow Cid way to twist the knife there. "You make mockery of Lord Larsa's trust. You are unworthy to serve him as sword or shield."
  • I also really like the parallels between Reddas and Gabranth here. They've both done things that cannot be made up for, cannot be forgiven. "History's chains bind us too tightly." Reddas sees the similarity, sees how other roads are closed off to them - sees, I suspect, that neither of them can survive this.
  • The #1 relationship in this game that doesn't get enough attention is Fran & Penelo. It's subtle, but Penelo asks more questions of Fran, and Fran answers them, and as here, when Fran is collapsing or in danger of collapsing from Mist exposure, Penelo is the one to notice or to ask if she'll be okay. I ship it
  • I swear, Cid manages to make "Fool of a pirate" into a paternal endearment. That last little exchange...it's so quiet, especially compared to Cid's Cidness just previously, and there's such a wealth of words left unsaid.
  • Overall I just love how this scene, while it doesn't stop acknowledging the importance of the beloved dead, reconfirms how...they're dead, nothing can change for them now. The wants of the dead should never take precedence over the needs of the living.
  • cygna_hime: (Default)
    I should try actually posting to this, FOR REAL THIS TIME.

    Hi there, DW/LJ! This year in Cygnalife I:

  • got a paying job
  • learned to drive but do not yet have a licence
  • got diagnosed with DEPRESSION such fun!!!!!!

    so yeah.

    Now that some of my tumblr peeps are actually moving over here, I will try to actually Exist more frequently. But ILU all regardless.
  • cygna_hime: Unretouched and unedited I swear to god. (Zounds!)
    tw: fat problems, body image problems, self-hate, emetophobia warning, other warnings???

    Read more... )
    cygna_hime: Xion is in ur fandom, queerin ur text (Xion Queering the Text)
    I've been reading my way through The Brick in my lunch hour. It's going pretty slowly so far because that's not a whole lot of time, but the Hapgood translation is quite clear and I really adore nineteenth-century prose.

    Everyone should come join me in appreciation of how adorable a narrator Hugo is. He calls attention to his own use of the pathetic fallacy! He mentions fascinating statistics he uncovered! He spares a chapter to describe the minutiae of the history of 1817!

    I think I may be in love.

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